Pyromania!
by tigereyes572
Summary: Aragorn is a pyromaniac and Legolas is supposedly a female stick. It gets insane.


"Aragorn, NO! No, get away from it!"  
Legolas scrambled over the short stone wall to the ranger, who was standing next to a bowl shaped slab of stone that held a large fire. Leaping at the mortal man, the elf knocked him to the ground as he scrambled to get free from under his grip. A crazed look was in his eyes, and his tongue hung out stupidly. Legolas slapped Aragorn across the face and released him. Aragorn stood, bewildered, rearranged his cloak, and rubbed his face. Gimli the dwarf then came with a large bucket and extinguished the fire in the bowl, breathing a sigh of relief.  
"What. what was that for?" Aragorn stammered, grabbing the handle of his sword in its sheath.  
"You were going pyro on us again." Legolas nodded to the smoldering ash near them. Aragorn cocked his head at it, his eyes flashed, and Legolas began to make a move to throttle him when he regained composure.  
"Sorry about that." said Aragorn casually as he released his sword. Legolas let out an exasperated sigh and rolled his eyes as Aragorn turned to face the trees behind them. "So we're going to have to go in there?"  
"Well, no, I suppose it would be a better idea if we didn't. I mean we don't have to."  
"Oh okay." Aragorn said as he proceeded into the trees, unheeding of the elf's words. Legolas stood contemplating whether it would be perhaps a good idea, and what they could get out of it. IWell, they might find treasure or something, but the king may kill himself somehow, and of course they'd all blame it on me if he did, and it probably wouldn't be my fault anyway./Ibrbr  
  
Aragorn wandered aimlessly throughout the trees, looking at birdies and butterflies and the like as they flew past. Suddenly shaken from his thoughts by Gimli, Legolas was made aware of the absence of the king. Gimli sat on a stump while Legolas turned around in circles in a frenzy, turning cartwheels for no apparent reason. Once he had fallen flat on his face, Legolas stood and blinked for a moment, then grabbed Gimli and darted off into the trees searching for Aragorn.  
Aragorn, meanwhile, had spotted a butterfly, and was chasing it like a little puppy. Except for the fact that he wasn't a puppy, which made it a rather awkward sight. Following the butterfly, he ended up somewhere in the middle of a very thick mass of identical trees. Losing sight of the butterfly, he perused his surroundings, realizing he had no idea where he was. Fingering the stubble on his chin he turned and looked at every tree, trying to trace his own footprints, but found none. Suddenly he spotted some prints in the grass, and following them, bumped into something. Yelping and jumping up, he grabbed his sword, Anduril, and began flinging it around in front of him.  
"Whoa buddy, chill out."  
Aragorn ceased flailing and sat on the ground. He began chanting, I'm going insane. I'm going insane. He was removed from this state by a slap on the other side of his face. Looking up, bewildered, he said, "You just slapped a king, man, now you're gonna get."  
"I ain't getting' nothing 'til I get outta here." Aragorn heard a voice say, and looking up he saw the face of a dirty man with suspenders. Aragorn winced at the suspenders, but quickly caught himself. Behind the man stood another, a curly haired man, also with suspenders, looking pensive.  
"Who. what." stammered Aragorn.  
"Oh right. Intro. Been so long." Muttered the boy and the other rolled his eyes. "I'm Frodo. And this is Sam, my brudda."  
Aragorn stood up and stared at the short man. "You know you look really familiar," he said after a while. "I'm Aragorn."  
Frodo looked behind him at Sam, and they snickered. "So you're Aragorn, huh? You ain't Aragorn."  
"I'm not?" said Aragorn, confused.  
"Not unless I'm the queen of Lothlorien." Both the short men broke out in laughter.  
"I thought I was Aragorn, though!" Aragorn shouted above the din.  
"Please! You're too fat and well groomed to be Aragorn." Sam said. Aragorn put his hand on his brushed hair and managed stubble on his chin.  
"I'm not... I'm not fat." he whimpered. The short people danced around him as his eyes teared up. After the two stopped circling him and had finished convulsing in laughter on the floor, they turned back to Aragorn.  
"So how we gonna get out of here, king?" they said. Aragorn puffed up his chest and pulled out his sword.  
"We'll cut our way through! Come fellows!" he shouted and turned to the trees. Frodo and Sam looked at each other nervously and called after Aragorn.  
"Hey, wait! You can't see a thing! Lemme light a torch or something." Frodo said as Sam rummaged for a large stick to burn. Picking up a large one, he lit it on fire and handed it to Frodo.  
"Okay! Hold on I'm coming ba." Aragorn stopped in mid-sentence as he turned and saw the flame light itself atop the torch. He growled an inhuman roar and pounced like an Elf in front of Frodo. Frodo nervously backed up, and habit caused Sam to shout, "Mr. Frodo!"  
"What IS it Sam??" Frodo said annoyed and anxious as Aragorn drooled on the floor in front of him, planning a way to get the fire off the torch and onto the floor of dry leaves around them.  
"There's a man in front of you! He's got a malicious look in his eye!" Sam pointed out.  
"Sam, I'm not freaking BLIND," shouted Frodo, but he was thrown back as Aragorn attempted to strangle him. Sam threw himself at Frodo and Aragorn in an attempt to rescue him, but only succeeding in making the situation worse. As they tumbled on the ground, Frodo managed to squirm out with the torch in his hand and stand close by, watching Aragorn and Sam duke it out. Just as Aragorn realized the fire was gone, a womanly scream was heard from a few feet away outside the mass of trees. Suddenly a tall stick and a boulder were hurled through the leaves of the trees as a huge explosion burst out behind them and James Bond music played. Aragorn was enraptured by the firey display and sat crosslegged a few feet away from it eating popcorn. Frodo and Sam stood at the edge of the clearing in the trees, wondering what the hell the world was coming to. Suddenly the stick moved and stood up, and the hobbits realized it was alive. Sam nudged Frodo with his elbow and they snickered to each other.  
"Hot mama, Frodo. It's your turn." Sam said in Frodo's ear. Frodo approached the stick, admiring her long blonde hair and tight butt.  
"Hello, there, darling." Frodo said in his not-so-sexy voice. The stick turned and batted long eyelashes at him. Then they both screamed.  
"Oh my god it's a MAN!" shouted the stick that some knew as Legolas.  
"Oh my god it's a MAN!" shouted Frodo. They both fainted promptly. The boulder, aka Gimli, rose soon after, and sat down again to smoke a pipe next to Aragorn. Sam ran to his master, although he wasn't really his master, because he wasn't like, a slave, or anything, he was just like a sidekick kinda deal. Anyway he ran to Frodo and shook him uselessly. Standing again he glanced at the supposed girl on the floor and squinted his eyes.  
"Oh, it's Legolas." He said nonchalantly, and joined the other two at the fireworks show.  
Well, perhaps by now, you're wondering what the hell happened to that torch that Frodo was holding. You might suspect it would be on the ground, but no, it was actually on Aragorn's head. In fact, Aragorn is realizing this just right now, and is rolling around on the ground trying to extinguish it. Perhaps this would be a good place to leave our headcases- er, heroes, as one of them may die and I would be held responsible.brbr  
  
INah, maybe we should go in. It couldn't hurt, eh? /IThought Legolas, and suddenly realized he didn't know where Aragorn was, and began turning cartwheels. 


End file.
